Top 5 Peculiar Things I have to do at work

1) Initiate patients on using a breast pump- I have no qualms about this, but generally my patient and her significant other look at me like I am enforcing some type of barbaric punishment upon them. At these times I find myself saying ridiculous things like, "really, pretty soon you'll be doing this while you're talking to your father-in-law, or making dinner." Really Sarah? People don't want to hear that..

2) Peri-care- This in itself is just plain crazy, but it is a known fact that women do not remember how to clean their southern hemi-spheres after giving birth. I mean that in the most sincere way possible, I do, for real this time. They literally look at me like, "Now what am I supposed to do?" So I give them a peri-bottle (spray bottle) and instruct them on how to properly use such a tool to clean up in the bathroom. Usually they are still confused and I have to spray the patient the first time, and this is when I imagine that I am playing a game in some sort of carnival, and I will win some sort of prize for getting this done as quickly as possible, maybe even win a gold fish.

3) Talk to patients about their bowel habits, at great lengths, tiring lengths....I have pregnant patients and patients who have just delivered babies, and this is on the forefront of their minds. I get it, can't say I have experienced it myself, but in my almost 10 years of nursing, I can say I have had this conversation with hundreds of women..I hear all kinds of things that would make my brothers blush, but no big deal to me, just saying...

4) Have to run defense for the annoying friends and family members, sometimes even the significant others. " You all are going to have to step out for what could be several hours, as I have to talk with your loved one about nipple care, I apologize." And now my patient can finally take a freaking nap...

5) Counsel patients on naming their children.."Please don't name your twins anything that rhyme with each other....do not spell a normal name backwards to make it unique for your child...I know you have to use a family name, but it can just be on the birth certificate, let's think of some others...and yes, for real, your baby should have a name before it leaves the hospital, you have had some time to think about this, and calling it "it" is just plain embarrassing for everyone involved.