Dear Writers,
First, I must thank you for taking care of my children for several hours out of the day, every day, you're always there..That is where my gratitude stops, and my questions begin.
Did you really just have an episode where Dora had to go through the "nutty forest" so that she could find the red bush? As funny as it was to watch Dora dodge nuts, I couldn't help but wonder what impact this would have on my daughters. I know I am a juvenile, but really? Have I also seen an episode where Boots, the monkey, talks about his two blue balls? Yes, yes I have.. I don't know if you guys are tipping back Coronas when you are writing these episodes, but I am onto you.
Can we just try to keep things clean for my kids until they are at least 5 or so? Don't even get me started on Diego, I know what he does with his binoculars.
Your Friend,
Sarah
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Just another day..
This post is not meant for the squeamish. Being a nurse, I can handle most things, bodily fluids, that is, and not have a problem. As an ICU nurse mentor once told me, "Sarah, you will get to the point where you can wipe an ass with one hand, and eat a sandwich with the other." Yup..she was right. However, sometimes I even have to dry heave a bit with the ridiculous things my children do with their diapers, or in the bathroom in general..Moving right along...
I was anxiously awaiting a visit from our plumber yesterday. We have a pump that runs in our basement, every once in awhile for about 20 minutes at a time, loud as can be, and it usually occurs when we have guests over. So, after a year and a half of putting it off, we finally decided to call an expert in to assess the situation. We have had terrible luck with our plumbing in almost every home we lived in, which is 4 to be exact, and we have only been married for 4.5 years and together for a little over 6, you do the math...We have been blessed with having several bathrooms in each house, but we generally have one toilet that doesn't flush or overflows after any male uses it..So we broke the upstairs toilet in our current house, fairly early on in our stay here, just to keep the streak alive..Bottom line, we were gonna keep this poor guy busy while he was here..
Back to my anxiety, so I am scrambling to clear a path for the plumber to forge from our front door to the basement. Just prior to that, I had heard Coco clanging around in her kitchen, in the basement. I was happy she was playing independently for once, not needing to have her fingers dug into me while doing something. After a few minutes, she came upstairs to check out what Lindsey and I were doing. I looked down at the floor, and with her pants still on, her diaper was resting right beside her. Cool, I thought, she can take her diaper off..just what I need. I think it had actually shimmied it's way down her legs cause the diaper was a little big, and I might have put it on her while she was in motion..it happens..So I sniff her, smells like pee, soaked her pants and socks. But diaper was just wet, ok, I can handle that. So within a few minutes I have changed her clothes and duct taped a new diaper on her.
The plumber walks through the door and my daughters embrace him as if they haven't seen a soul in months, and thankfully someone was finally here to rescue them from their insane mother.."Sorry sir, they really like everyone, it's kinda weird." He was cool, didn't seem bothered, and I quickly showed him to the basement. As I walked down the steps, a foul odor hit me! I show the plumber to the bathroom and quickly survey the scene. Luckily, my sidekick, Lindsey, was also there to say, "Mom, it smells like Coco's butt!" "Lindsey, shhhh!!" I whispered, but the kid was right, she usually is. No chance though, I just changed her diaper. Then I spotted what looked like a pile of guacamole on the basement floor. I thought, I can't remember the last time we had guacamole...so I did what any sensible person would do, no I didn't grab a chip and give it a taste, I stepped on it. Yep, makes a lot of sense I agree. You know how when you step on dog poop it smells worse than it when it was just sitting there, oddly enough, the same thing happens with baby poop. Broccoli!! That's it!! I remember what she had for dinner last night. Coco is like a magician with pooping, there was no evidence in her diaper! Luckily, I was wearing Ted's slippers, so I set them in the corner, and then scurried over to the plumber. I was praying to God there was not another pile of guacamole in the bathroom, cause she would have the comedic sense to drop another pile in front of the toilet. I took a quick glance, I was in the clear. No I just had to cover up the fact that I was cleaning up baby poop and searching for more piles, while talking to the plumber...So I grabbed some paper towels and a candle, very subtle, I agree..I was able to wipe up the mess, find two more piles, and clean up all that I could, without the plumber asking me what type of corpse might be decomposing in my basement. Sarah, for the wine...I mean, Sarah for the win!!
Plumber then proceeds to tackle our upstairs toilet, while Lindsey observes, and throws out her two cents to him on what the problem might be. He joked, "I think there might be a dolly stuck in the tank." Really dude, you're gonna tell my kid one of her dolls might be in the tank? Now I know where will be looking for toys for the next five years..Luckily, she called his bullshit on that.
After all plumbing repairs were finished, and he is explaining to me what he did, which is like trying to understand Calculus for someone like me, he gets his coat on to leave. My kids, sad that he is leaving, run up and hug the poor guy. Then, as any farewell should proceed, Lindsey stands with her hand on his crotch trying to play with his tool belt. I, most likely, was full blown blushing at this point, just smiled and thanked him for his services...
I love my life..
I was anxiously awaiting a visit from our plumber yesterday. We have a pump that runs in our basement, every once in awhile for about 20 minutes at a time, loud as can be, and it usually occurs when we have guests over. So, after a year and a half of putting it off, we finally decided to call an expert in to assess the situation. We have had terrible luck with our plumbing in almost every home we lived in, which is 4 to be exact, and we have only been married for 4.5 years and together for a little over 6, you do the math...We have been blessed with having several bathrooms in each house, but we generally have one toilet that doesn't flush or overflows after any male uses it..So we broke the upstairs toilet in our current house, fairly early on in our stay here, just to keep the streak alive..Bottom line, we were gonna keep this poor guy busy while he was here..
Back to my anxiety, so I am scrambling to clear a path for the plumber to forge from our front door to the basement. Just prior to that, I had heard Coco clanging around in her kitchen, in the basement. I was happy she was playing independently for once, not needing to have her fingers dug into me while doing something. After a few minutes, she came upstairs to check out what Lindsey and I were doing. I looked down at the floor, and with her pants still on, her diaper was resting right beside her. Cool, I thought, she can take her diaper off..just what I need. I think it had actually shimmied it's way down her legs cause the diaper was a little big, and I might have put it on her while she was in motion..it happens..So I sniff her, smells like pee, soaked her pants and socks. But diaper was just wet, ok, I can handle that. So within a few minutes I have changed her clothes and duct taped a new diaper on her.
The plumber walks through the door and my daughters embrace him as if they haven't seen a soul in months, and thankfully someone was finally here to rescue them from their insane mother.."Sorry sir, they really like everyone, it's kinda weird." He was cool, didn't seem bothered, and I quickly showed him to the basement. As I walked down the steps, a foul odor hit me! I show the plumber to the bathroom and quickly survey the scene. Luckily, my sidekick, Lindsey, was also there to say, "Mom, it smells like Coco's butt!" "Lindsey, shhhh!!" I whispered, but the kid was right, she usually is. No chance though, I just changed her diaper. Then I spotted what looked like a pile of guacamole on the basement floor. I thought, I can't remember the last time we had guacamole...so I did what any sensible person would do, no I didn't grab a chip and give it a taste, I stepped on it. Yep, makes a lot of sense I agree. You know how when you step on dog poop it smells worse than it when it was just sitting there, oddly enough, the same thing happens with baby poop. Broccoli!! That's it!! I remember what she had for dinner last night. Coco is like a magician with pooping, there was no evidence in her diaper! Luckily, I was wearing Ted's slippers, so I set them in the corner, and then scurried over to the plumber. I was praying to God there was not another pile of guacamole in the bathroom, cause she would have the comedic sense to drop another pile in front of the toilet. I took a quick glance, I was in the clear. No I just had to cover up the fact that I was cleaning up baby poop and searching for more piles, while talking to the plumber...So I grabbed some paper towels and a candle, very subtle, I agree..I was able to wipe up the mess, find two more piles, and clean up all that I could, without the plumber asking me what type of corpse might be decomposing in my basement. Sarah, for the wine...I mean, Sarah for the win!!
Plumber then proceeds to tackle our upstairs toilet, while Lindsey observes, and throws out her two cents to him on what the problem might be. He joked, "I think there might be a dolly stuck in the tank." Really dude, you're gonna tell my kid one of her dolls might be in the tank? Now I know where will be looking for toys for the next five years..Luckily, she called his bullshit on that.
After all plumbing repairs were finished, and he is explaining to me what he did, which is like trying to understand Calculus for someone like me, he gets his coat on to leave. My kids, sad that he is leaving, run up and hug the poor guy. Then, as any farewell should proceed, Lindsey stands with her hand on his crotch trying to play with his tool belt. I, most likely, was full blown blushing at this point, just smiled and thanked him for his services...
I love my life..
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Girl Who Can't Say No
Many people have difficulty saying "no." But generally, it is for good things..such as volunteering too much, over committing at work or school., working out more than they should.....I have this problem as well, although for nothing really useful except for the benefit of random sales people..I could go on and on with examples, but I will narrow them down to a few instances in which I was a complete jack ass.. My husband Ted, often refers to these moments as "Did you buy a second chicken Sarah?"
1) Boston Market 2005- I decided to pick up dinner for Ted and Keegan on my way home from work. I could probably eat more than them combined, which is nothing to brag about, but helps explain the dumbness of myself. So I order some basic "Family Meal" chicken, sides, drinks, whatever..It was near closing time, and the voice over the drive-thru asks me if I would like an extra chicken for $5? Um yeah I would, sounds amazing...No Sarah, you don't want 2 greasy ass chickens, you really don't even want the one you intended to buy..and really, how many people live in your house? So, before I thought all that through, I brought the chickens home, only to have Ted look at me and shake his head..and we threw the second chicken away, but it only cost $5.
2) Harlem Furniture 2002- My first big purchase after college was a cherry wood bedroom set. I paid for it on my own, shopped for it on my own, negotiated ALL the details on my own, cause I was a big girl now. So when handing over the credit card and asking if I wanted the "refinishing plan,"for only $100, how could I refuse? I imagined some hot carpenter smoothing away all the imperfections I would accumulate over time..Yeah, not so much. When you don't ask for more details, the salesman then hands you a really nice set of furniture sharpie type markers, to fix the furniture scratches yourself..oh awesome, markers, I love to draw...
3) The next few stores are examples of where I monthly, weekly, sometimes daily, get taken advantage of and I run back for more abuse. "Mam, if you buy six anti-bacterial soaps, you get 2 free." Well, hell yeah, the kids love to wash their hands (Bath & Body Works). "Your air filter looks awful, you should use fancier oil for that Honda, and we can rotate your tires." Well, you know best, geez. Thanks (Jiffy Lube). "If you buy just $20 dollars more worth of merchandise, you can get $5 off your next purchase." Well, the girls do need ridiculous barrettes to match those outfits. You win (Gymboree).
4) This might be where I am the most gullible...door to door kids selling me stuff. I can just imagine them crying or not making "their goal," all because I didn't purchase their coupon book/pizzas/cookies/magazines..therefore, we have lots of those. Just tonight I wrote a check to two teenage boys so that they could get some savings bonds. I felt proud that I actually asked them what they were going to do with the money. "Community College." Amazing, I think. "Then what?" I ask.."Mam, I don't really know, real estate or some shit like that." Cool, I am empowering our youth, and it feels really good.
1) Boston Market 2005- I decided to pick up dinner for Ted and Keegan on my way home from work. I could probably eat more than them combined, which is nothing to brag about, but helps explain the dumbness of myself. So I order some basic "Family Meal" chicken, sides, drinks, whatever..It was near closing time, and the voice over the drive-thru asks me if I would like an extra chicken for $5? Um yeah I would, sounds amazing...No Sarah, you don't want 2 greasy ass chickens, you really don't even want the one you intended to buy..and really, how many people live in your house? So, before I thought all that through, I brought the chickens home, only to have Ted look at me and shake his head..and we threw the second chicken away, but it only cost $5.
2) Harlem Furniture 2002- My first big purchase after college was a cherry wood bedroom set. I paid for it on my own, shopped for it on my own, negotiated ALL the details on my own, cause I was a big girl now. So when handing over the credit card and asking if I wanted the "refinishing plan,"for only $100, how could I refuse? I imagined some hot carpenter smoothing away all the imperfections I would accumulate over time..Yeah, not so much. When you don't ask for more details, the salesman then hands you a really nice set of furniture sharpie type markers, to fix the furniture scratches yourself..oh awesome, markers, I love to draw...
3) The next few stores are examples of where I monthly, weekly, sometimes daily, get taken advantage of and I run back for more abuse. "Mam, if you buy six anti-bacterial soaps, you get 2 free." Well, hell yeah, the kids love to wash their hands (Bath & Body Works). "Your air filter looks awful, you should use fancier oil for that Honda, and we can rotate your tires." Well, you know best, geez. Thanks (Jiffy Lube). "If you buy just $20 dollars more worth of merchandise, you can get $5 off your next purchase." Well, the girls do need ridiculous barrettes to match those outfits. You win (Gymboree).
4) This might be where I am the most gullible...door to door kids selling me stuff. I can just imagine them crying or not making "their goal," all because I didn't purchase their coupon book/pizzas/cookies/magazines..therefore, we have lots of those. Just tonight I wrote a check to two teenage boys so that they could get some savings bonds. I felt proud that I actually asked them what they were going to do with the money. "Community College." Amazing, I think. "Then what?" I ask.."Mam, I don't really know, real estate or some shit like that." Cool, I am empowering our youth, and it feels really good.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Anatomy 101 with a 3 year old
I no longer get to shower by myself, sounds super hot..but really it's because my little girls like to bang on the glass door while I am trying to cleanse myself from dried macaroni and slobber. Sometimes it's funny sometimes it's horrifying, especially when I don't seem them coming. Those situations I can handle, and recover from quickly. Sunday's incident, is still playing over and over in my mind..
As usual, I am drying off after taking a shower, Linds and Coco are in and out of the bathroom, making sure I don't have a moment to myself, as to not spoil me. Lindsey skips over to me and plants her hands on my boobs, this however, is not the shocking part of the story, I am somewhat used to being fondled. She then steps back and says, "Why are you always wearing those? They are too big." me...somewhat confused, "My boobs? Why am I always wearing them? Cause they are attached, sweetie." Lindsey, not satisfied with the response, says, "Yeah, I don't have those cause I have a belly button." I'm liking her train of thought, I wish I could have this option in life, like I don't have big thighs because I have big boobs, but life hasn't worked out that way. "Lindsey I have a belly button too." Shock and dismay covered her face..she thought she was in the clear for a life of being flat chested. Just to drive the point home I told her, as I pointed to my chest, "and you're gonna have these too, probably just as big." Impressed, she was not..I wanted to follow it up with the fact that the doctor thinks she will only be five feet tall, so she will most likely tip over a lot from the weight of her chest, but I thought I would wait to share that little gem until she turns 4 or so..
As usual, I am drying off after taking a shower, Linds and Coco are in and out of the bathroom, making sure I don't have a moment to myself, as to not spoil me. Lindsey skips over to me and plants her hands on my boobs, this however, is not the shocking part of the story, I am somewhat used to being fondled. She then steps back and says, "Why are you always wearing those? They are too big." me...somewhat confused, "My boobs? Why am I always wearing them? Cause they are attached, sweetie." Lindsey, not satisfied with the response, says, "Yeah, I don't have those cause I have a belly button." I'm liking her train of thought, I wish I could have this option in life, like I don't have big thighs because I have big boobs, but life hasn't worked out that way. "Lindsey I have a belly button too." Shock and dismay covered her face..she thought she was in the clear for a life of being flat chested. Just to drive the point home I told her, as I pointed to my chest, "and you're gonna have these too, probably just as big." Impressed, she was not..I wanted to follow it up with the fact that the doctor thinks she will only be five feet tall, so she will most likely tip over a lot from the weight of her chest, but I thought I would wait to share that little gem until she turns 4 or so..
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