Things I think about when I can't sleep

I was slightly disappointed when the birth control patch was taken off of the market, not because I took it, but I knew of it's potential importance in my future..Last night was a perfect example as to why this patch could serve some purpose in this household..

So, just some minor background, for filler...The windows in our house are giving us a hard time right now...lots of leaking and moisture build up around the seal of these cheap windows = hot mess in our house..Windows are super expensive, in case you didn't know, so this is gonna be a really fun purchase. Anyhow, we had a fine young man come into our home last night to give us an estimate for replacing all of our windows...He was very nice, very polite, and even tolerated Ted's interrogations and bouts of laughter when he showed us the final estimated cost of the replacement windows ($52, 000). Ted made me write that for vindication purposes.

Someone else in my house thought he was very sweet and smoothe as well. Therefore, when it was time for Lindsey to give hugs and kisses before she headed up to bed, she whispered to me, "I kind of want to give him a kiss goodnight too." (pointing toward the window guy). I paused, shut my eyes, and said, "Honey, I don't think he would be ok with that, and I am actually kind of not ok with that either." She nodded, and I carried her up the stairs..I was hoping we were done.

Little girlfriend proceeded to cup my face and stare into my eyes and say, "Mom, he was very cute. I really like him." Um, what? Was she mesmerized by his knowledge of vinyl trim and his 100% satisfaction guarantee? Cause I kinda was, but I didn't want to ask him out on a date or anything. Then she says, "Is he sleeping here tonight?" Thoughts were racing through my head more rapidly than usual...."No baby, he is going home and sleeping in his bed." She was disappointed, but not nearly as much as I was...Damn you Ortho Patch, you were gonna be my answer..

My plan has always been, since I carried these little girls in my belly, that before they headed off to high school in the morning, I would just hug them, and then place the patch on their back, all sly like. I'm not gonna be a grandma before I'm 50, sorry about it. Might not be ethical or FDA recommended, but I stopped caring about stuff like that awhile ago..

So this brings me to what I was thinking about last night...So I could always slip her the birth control pill in her cereal, or grind it up and put it in her chocolate milk..I thought about the Depo shot..But I'm thinking she would be on to me , by the 3rd or 4th shot..I would lunge toward her with the syringe, she would scream out something like how I was crazy, and it could just get really ugly..So I don't know what I'm going to do, of course I will give her the female anatomy talk, the no sex talk, the safe sex talk, and show her terrible pictures of herpes and all the usual things mothers talk about..I will also show her a picture of my abdomen, before I had a baby, and afterwards..If that isn't enough to scare her into abstinence, then guess I will just have to break out the "Best Grandma Ever" sweatshirt...

Sweet dreams ya'll..