Top 5 Peculiar Things I have to do at work

1) Initiate patients on using a breast pump- I have no qualms about this, but generally my patient and her significant other look at me like I am enforcing some type of barbaric punishment upon them. At these times I find myself saying ridiculous things like, "really, pretty soon you'll be doing this while you're talking to your father-in-law, or making dinner." Really Sarah? People don't want to hear that..

2) Peri-care- This in itself is just plain crazy, but it is a known fact that women do not remember how to clean their southern hemi-spheres after giving birth. I mean that in the most sincere way possible, I do, for real this time. They literally look at me like, "Now what am I supposed to do?" So I give them a peri-bottle (spray bottle) and instruct them on how to properly use such a tool to clean up in the bathroom. Usually they are still confused and I have to spray the patient the first time, and this is when I imagine that I am playing a game in some sort of carnival, and I will win some sort of prize for getting this done as quickly as possible, maybe even win a gold fish.

3) Talk to patients about their bowel habits, at great lengths, tiring lengths....I have pregnant patients and patients who have just delivered babies, and this is on the forefront of their minds. I get it, can't say I have experienced it myself, but in my almost 10 years of nursing, I can say I have had this conversation with hundreds of women..I hear all kinds of things that would make my brothers blush, but no big deal to me, just saying...

4) Have to run defense for the annoying friends and family members, sometimes even the significant others. " You all are going to have to step out for what could be several hours, as I have to talk with your loved one about nipple care, I apologize." And now my patient can finally take a freaking nap...

5) Counsel patients on naming their children.."Please don't name your twins anything that rhyme with each other....do not spell a normal name backwards to make it unique for your child...I know you have to use a family name, but it can just be on the birth certificate, let's think of some others...and yes, for real, your baby should have a name before it leaves the hospital, you have had some time to think about this, and calling it "it" is just plain embarrassing for everyone involved.

Double Vision

A few weeks ago it came to our attention that LL would be needing glasses..I really didn't think she would, since she is perfect and everything, but the eye doctor confirmed it last week..Not gonna lie, I started crying when Ted told me the news. See, had I known, I would have been the one at the doctor's office with her, being the control freak I am. But I sent Ted, cause I figured it was going to be a quick appointment..Ted also had the good sense to call and ask if I wanted to be the one to help her pick out her frames, he is finally getting me..I declined, knowing very well that Ted would not want his daughter to look like a fool, so he could handle it, and besides, I was crying. Seems kind of silly to get upset over something like that, I know. Millions of children come down with incurable diseases, have to live with forms of autism, and many other much more difficult issues, and here I am, a hot mess..It didn't take long for me to figure out why I was really crying. I was able to Freud myself a little bit and realize what was so upsetting..See, Lindsey is pumped about these glasses, she thinks they are cute, kids will be jealous at first, and it will only draw more attention to her beautiful blue eyes. I know I wanted glasses badly..in Second grade my eye doctor said my vision was borderline and I didn't really need them. But oh no, I wanted those bad boys..and I wanted the super cool case that held those ugly blue frames. This is also the same girl that was jealous of those who wore retainers and would fashion her own, using chewed bubble gum and unbent paper clips..wow, typing that makes me feel even more cool, amazing. So back to sad sad me..My heart began to ache because I felt like glasses were just going to be the beginning for her/me...soon would come the awkward years of possible bad skin, pudginess, maybe being a tom boy, although hard to conceive that thought now, and all the other unfortunate traits she might inherit from awesome me... I just didn't want her to ever feel any twang of pain...ever. This was a reminder that a lot of those things are out of my control as a parent. All I can do is give her the tools to deal with the pain when it comes her way. So that it is my focus now..no sadness for imperfection, but reinforcing the positive. As she was getting dressed for her Parent Night at school this evening, she said to me, "Mom, everyone will think I am so beautiful because of this dress." Normally I would nod and agree, but tonight I looked into those sweet baby blues and made sure she listened to me and said, "You were so beautiful before you even put on that dress sweet girl."