Halloween is awesome..I love it, really I do. I more so love the days leading up to it, but as for right now, at this stage in my life, it is a little ridiculous. I don't enjoy passing out candy to other children and I also don't like taking my kids to more than one house to get candy, it bores me a little. I know I sound like a lot of fun, I'm working in it...the following are examples as to why I sucked at Halloween again this year..
1) When children show up to my door, ranging in age from 14-16, I get a little annoyed..."Um, what are you supposed to be dressed up as?"...kids look at me, shrug their shoulders and say, "Yeah, I don't really know hehe." Zip your lip Sarah, do you want your babies' house to get egged?? apprently so.."Wow, that's pretty dumb, maybe you shouldn't be out trick or treating with little kids then, maybe you're past that stage."...really, let it go and give them the crappy candy you don't want to snarf down and move on....so I did, eventually..
2) Mommy wanted to look cute on Halloween for no good reason. So I wore jeggings, even typing that word "jeggings" makes me feel stupid, and boots up to my knees, with a large heel on them. Oh I had a sweater on too, Good Lord, wouldn't want to really scare the kids away going topless, yikes...Well, Ted, actually got tired of taking the kids around the neighborhood trolling for candy, so he asked/forced me to take them out for a run. grrr...not interested in navigating down the street by myself, but I told myself to stop being so chubby and crabby and take the kids for a few more houses...The hooker boots were a bad choice for that, mumbling cuss words under my breath while waddling down the block is not cute, I apologize neighbor peeps. So a few blocks away from home, Coco hands me something, which I thought was candy she had tried eating from her bucket..oh to be that lucky...please Lord, make it be an unwrapped tootsie roll!! No such luck for me...It was a large piece of wet, nasty, dog poop Coco wanted to pass on to me..awesome! So I hobbled/ran/tripped, in my jegging/hooker boot ensemble back to my house, with Coco on my hip and Lindsey being dragged behind..It was one of those precious moments I will scrap book about later, if I ever decide to upload and print any of the pictures I have taken of my children..
Next year I hope to not be such a witch..
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Church Lady
I recently started a new job, which is cool..However, I never really know how to act in front of new people. Like most people, I tend to act differently in my professional like than in my social life. Although, I'm pretty sure the majority of my nursing co-workers would say I am a straight up nut job all around, but I guess it's only after you get to know me..Back to the new job situation, so I have been on my most "professional" behavior possible, and it makes me die a little bit on the inside every day..yeah, ok, that's an exaggeration, however, it is truly uncomfortable to keep about 80% of my self proclaimed witty thoughts, to myself.
After a week of having ridiculous thoughts bottled up in my head, I tend to slip and forget to put my filter on in, what should be, more conservative situations..example: When sitting with a small group of parents during the Sunday School hour, there are things I should NOT say. Let me preface this by explaining I do NOT do drugs, for real...
other parent at table: "Wow, "Rhonda", is such a great teacher to the kids at Sunday school!"
me: "I know, she is so awesome. She has so much energy." (In my head I kept saying, ok, stop there, that is appropriate, but no, I must defy myself.)..."I almost want to bottle up whatever she is taking and drink it, or smoke it!"
Awkward silence.....prolonged silence.....In which I go grab more animal crackers from the snack table..
Great, so now I am the crack head mom at Church. Sweet...Seriously, I need to be monitored at all times and electrically shocked when stupid things enter my brain...oh well, at least I haven't ruined myself at the new job yet, give it a few days though..I will be sure to alienate and offend just about everyone..look forward to that :-)
After a week of having ridiculous thoughts bottled up in my head, I tend to slip and forget to put my filter on in, what should be, more conservative situations..example: When sitting with a small group of parents during the Sunday School hour, there are things I should NOT say. Let me preface this by explaining I do NOT do drugs, for real...
other parent at table: "Wow, "Rhonda", is such a great teacher to the kids at Sunday school!"
me: "I know, she is so awesome. She has so much energy." (In my head I kept saying, ok, stop there, that is appropriate, but no, I must defy myself.)..."I almost want to bottle up whatever she is taking and drink it, or smoke it!"
Awkward silence.....prolonged silence.....In which I go grab more animal crackers from the snack table..
Great, so now I am the crack head mom at Church. Sweet...Seriously, I need to be monitored at all times and electrically shocked when stupid things enter my brain...oh well, at least I haven't ruined myself at the new job yet, give it a few days though..I will be sure to alienate and offend just about everyone..look forward to that :-)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
16 and What?
Oh my poor baby blog..I never use you anymore, much like my razor blade, curling iron, and hair dryer..and why is that? Oh yeah, cause I have a job, a husband, 3 kids, and and a house to keep somewhat together..which leads me to my next rant..
So I might have bragged several weeks ago about having a cure for teen pregnancy..I think I am on to something, I am just waiting for the MTV producers to get back to me. I'm sure many of you know of the show, "16 and Pregnant," which is running non-stop on MTV and it's affiliates. I admit, I might have some episodes on my DVR. I was very into it when it first began. I really thought they (MTV) was on to something, as far as showing how difficult it is having a baby and actually raising it, or making the decision to give the child up for adoption. That thought quickly faded as the seasons continued..The show now revolves around the drama these young and, for the most part, extremely ignorant, teenagers endure outside of the lives of their children. What was once probably a show to deter the average teenager from getting pregnant, has now turned in to how famous these kids can become if they know how to work it..
Therefore, being the old lady that I am, I have some ideas as to how teenagers could truly benefit from a reality show on MTV. As an ante partum and post partum nurse I feel I have some credentials in this area, and as a chick who has birthed two, and currently attempting to raise three little nuggets. I'm not sure if MTV is just deciding how much money they would like to pay me or if there are a lot of legal things that need to transpire in order for these series to be produced, but whatever, they know how to reach me. Listed below are a few of the episodes/series, that I feel should be shown to the teenage population so that they have a "better understanding" of what life will be/can be like, after having a child...
"16 and possibly incontinent for the rest of my life"
"16 and "Snap! Those food stamps only amount to $50 a month for me and my baby."
"15 and ouch, chapped/blistered nipples hurt worse than nipple piercings."
"17 and Whoa, I didn't know snorting coke would make me deliver a preemie!"
"19 and I'll will be spending the next 18 years staying in every weekend it seems."
Now, these are just a few suggestions I threw out there, but as you can see, the topics are endless. But maybe, just maybe, a teenager, a child, whose really only worry should be what they are going to wear out Saturday night, would possibly realize, pregnancy and raising a child can be beautiful yes, but can definitely wait!!!!!
just a thought ya'll..
So I might have bragged several weeks ago about having a cure for teen pregnancy..I think I am on to something, I am just waiting for the MTV producers to get back to me. I'm sure many of you know of the show, "16 and Pregnant," which is running non-stop on MTV and it's affiliates. I admit, I might have some episodes on my DVR. I was very into it when it first began. I really thought they (MTV) was on to something, as far as showing how difficult it is having a baby and actually raising it, or making the decision to give the child up for adoption. That thought quickly faded as the seasons continued..The show now revolves around the drama these young and, for the most part, extremely ignorant, teenagers endure outside of the lives of their children. What was once probably a show to deter the average teenager from getting pregnant, has now turned in to how famous these kids can become if they know how to work it..
Therefore, being the old lady that I am, I have some ideas as to how teenagers could truly benefit from a reality show on MTV. As an ante partum and post partum nurse I feel I have some credentials in this area, and as a chick who has birthed two, and currently attempting to raise three little nuggets. I'm not sure if MTV is just deciding how much money they would like to pay me or if there are a lot of legal things that need to transpire in order for these series to be produced, but whatever, they know how to reach me. Listed below are a few of the episodes/series, that I feel should be shown to the teenage population so that they have a "better understanding" of what life will be/can be like, after having a child...
"16 and possibly incontinent for the rest of my life"
"16 and "Snap! Those food stamps only amount to $50 a month for me and my baby."
"15 and ouch, chapped/blistered nipples hurt worse than nipple piercings."
"17 and Whoa, I didn't know snorting coke would make me deliver a preemie!"
"19 and I'll will be spending the next 18 years staying in every weekend it seems."
Now, these are just a few suggestions I threw out there, but as you can see, the topics are endless. But maybe, just maybe, a teenager, a child, whose really only worry should be what they are going to wear out Saturday night, would possibly realize, pregnancy and raising a child can be beautiful yes, but can definitely wait!!!!!
just a thought ya'll..
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Top 5 Peculiar Things I have to do at work
1) Initiate patients on using a breast pump- I have no qualms about this, but generally my patient and her significant other look at me like I am enforcing some type of barbaric punishment upon them. At these times I find myself saying ridiculous things like, "really, pretty soon you'll be doing this while you're talking to your father-in-law, or making dinner." Really Sarah? People don't want to hear that..
2) Peri-care- This in itself is just plain crazy, but it is a known fact that women do not remember how to clean their southern hemi-spheres after giving birth. I mean that in the most sincere way possible, I do, for real this time. They literally look at me like, "Now what am I supposed to do?" So I give them a peri-bottle (spray bottle) and instruct them on how to properly use such a tool to clean up in the bathroom. Usually they are still confused and I have to spray the patient the first time, and this is when I imagine that I am playing a game in some sort of carnival, and I will win some sort of prize for getting this done as quickly as possible, maybe even win a gold fish.
3) Talk to patients about their bowel habits, at great lengths, tiring lengths....I have pregnant patients and patients who have just delivered babies, and this is on the forefront of their minds. I get it, can't say I have experienced it myself, but in my almost 10 years of nursing, I can say I have had this conversation with hundreds of women..I hear all kinds of things that would make my brothers blush, but no big deal to me, just saying...
4) Have to run defense for the annoying friends and family members, sometimes even the significant others. " You all are going to have to step out for what could be several hours, as I have to talk with your loved one about nipple care, I apologize." And now my patient can finally take a freaking nap...
5) Counsel patients on naming their children.."Please don't name your twins anything that rhyme with each other....do not spell a normal name backwards to make it unique for your child...I know you have to use a family name, but it can just be on the birth certificate, let's think of some others...and yes, for real, your baby should have a name before it leaves the hospital, you have had some time to think about this, and calling it "it" is just plain embarrassing for everyone involved.
2) Peri-care- This in itself is just plain crazy, but it is a known fact that women do not remember how to clean their southern hemi-spheres after giving birth. I mean that in the most sincere way possible, I do, for real this time. They literally look at me like, "Now what am I supposed to do?" So I give them a peri-bottle (spray bottle) and instruct them on how to properly use such a tool to clean up in the bathroom. Usually they are still confused and I have to spray the patient the first time, and this is when I imagine that I am playing a game in some sort of carnival, and I will win some sort of prize for getting this done as quickly as possible, maybe even win a gold fish.
3) Talk to patients about their bowel habits, at great lengths, tiring lengths....I have pregnant patients and patients who have just delivered babies, and this is on the forefront of their minds. I get it, can't say I have experienced it myself, but in my almost 10 years of nursing, I can say I have had this conversation with hundreds of women..I hear all kinds of things that would make my brothers blush, but no big deal to me, just saying...
4) Have to run defense for the annoying friends and family members, sometimes even the significant others. " You all are going to have to step out for what could be several hours, as I have to talk with your loved one about nipple care, I apologize." And now my patient can finally take a freaking nap...
5) Counsel patients on naming their children.."Please don't name your twins anything that rhyme with each other....do not spell a normal name backwards to make it unique for your child...I know you have to use a family name, but it can just be on the birth certificate, let's think of some others...and yes, for real, your baby should have a name before it leaves the hospital, you have had some time to think about this, and calling it "it" is just plain embarrassing for everyone involved.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Double Vision
A few weeks ago it came to our attention that LL would be needing glasses..I really didn't think she would, since she is perfect and everything, but the eye doctor confirmed it last week..Not gonna lie, I started crying when Ted told me the news. See, had I known, I would have been the one at the doctor's office with her, being the control freak I am. But I sent Ted, cause I figured it was going to be a quick appointment..Ted also had the good sense to call and ask if I wanted to be the one to help her pick out her frames, he is finally getting me..I declined, knowing very well that Ted would not want his daughter to look like a fool, so he could handle it, and besides, I was crying. Seems kind of silly to get upset over something like that, I know. Millions of children come down with incurable diseases, have to live with forms of autism, and many other much more difficult issues, and here I am, a hot mess..It didn't take long for me to figure out why I was really crying. I was able to Freud myself a little bit and realize what was so upsetting..See, Lindsey is pumped about these glasses, she thinks they are cute, kids will be jealous at first, and it will only draw more attention to her beautiful blue eyes. I know I wanted glasses badly..in Second grade my eye doctor said my vision was borderline and I didn't really need them. But oh no, I wanted those bad boys..and I wanted the super cool case that held those ugly blue frames. This is also the same girl that was jealous of those who wore retainers and would fashion her own, using chewed bubble gum and unbent paper clips..wow, typing that makes me feel even more cool, amazing. So back to sad sad me..My heart began to ache because I felt like glasses were just going to be the beginning for her/me...soon would come the awkward years of possible bad skin, pudginess, maybe being a tom boy, although hard to conceive that thought now, and all the other unfortunate traits she might inherit from awesome me... I just didn't want her to ever feel any twang of pain...ever. This was a reminder that a lot of those things are out of my control as a parent. All I can do is give her the tools to deal with the pain when it comes her way. So that it is my focus now..no sadness for imperfection, but reinforcing the positive. As she was getting dressed for her Parent Night at school this evening, she said to me, "Mom, everyone will think I am so beautiful because of this dress." Normally I would nod and agree, but tonight I looked into those sweet baby blues and made sure she listened to me and said, "You were so beautiful before you even put on that dress sweet girl."
Sunday, March 20, 2011
March 20th
I promise this is the last not-so-funny post for awhile..But I think I get a free pass today. As most of you know, today is a very difficult day for me and my family, celebrating my father's passing....But I have some random thoughts I wanted to share, you take from them what you want..I just wanted to write, it's all I can do sometimes..
Last night I had a dream that we lost Coco..We were in a very large church and she slipped away out of sight, and no one could find her. I was inconsolable, I kept searching for her and she had simply disappeared. Everyone kept trying to console me, but I wouldn't have it. It was almost as if people wanted me to get over it, accept it, move on, she was gone..I kept explaining that they didn't understand, she was my whole world, if she was really gone, I was done..But, in my dream, I decided, that just looking under benches and in closets, wasn't enough, I would have to scream her name at the top of my lungs...So I did, and she skipped out of nowhere, looking at me like, "Mommy, I'm right here, why are you so upset?" After thinking about my dream today, it kind of hit me that I tend to do that in life..I feel like I am searching everywhere for things, and if I would just ask for help or call out a name, the answer would be right in front of my face..
That revelation leads me to my next thought....The day my dad died, I sang a song to him while he was in his hospital bed. It was a song he wrote called, "One in a Hundred." A song about the parable Jesus told, describing a Shepherd and His lost sheep. The song was fitting at the time, because it was a song I could remember all the words to, and it captured the moment..My dad was my Shepherd, and my dad was also one of God's sheep...I hoped it would bring him comfort in his time of suffering..It was difficult to sing, because of the strong emotions at the time, but I did it..Not to plug his music, cause that seems a little weird, but the song is available on itunes, the composer is listed as Concordia Publishing :-)
And a final random note..I was putting Lindsey to bed tonight, saying her prayers, and then she interrupted me with a couple of questions about Jesus.."Mama, where is Jesus?" "Where is Heaven?" So I tried to explain them the best I could, to a 3.5 year old..alluding to the skies yet acknowledging that He is all around us as well..She mentioned Papa John, without any prompting, and I mentioned that he was with Jesus now..Lindsey wanted to know how Papa John got up to heaven? I didn't have an answer...but luckily she answered her own question, "Jesus carried him there, didn't He?" Thank God she is more versed in theology than me..."Yes Baby, Jesus carried him there.." She then smiled and rested her head on her pillow....a few minutes later she asked, "Can Jesus carry dinosaurs up there?" I answered, "Of course He can, because he is just crazy strong like that." Lindsey Lane then fell fast asleep...She was able to comfort me as well tonight, and that's why she is a precious gift..
Good Night....
Last night I had a dream that we lost Coco..We were in a very large church and she slipped away out of sight, and no one could find her. I was inconsolable, I kept searching for her and she had simply disappeared. Everyone kept trying to console me, but I wouldn't have it. It was almost as if people wanted me to get over it, accept it, move on, she was gone..I kept explaining that they didn't understand, she was my whole world, if she was really gone, I was done..But, in my dream, I decided, that just looking under benches and in closets, wasn't enough, I would have to scream her name at the top of my lungs...So I did, and she skipped out of nowhere, looking at me like, "Mommy, I'm right here, why are you so upset?" After thinking about my dream today, it kind of hit me that I tend to do that in life..I feel like I am searching everywhere for things, and if I would just ask for help or call out a name, the answer would be right in front of my face..
That revelation leads me to my next thought....The day my dad died, I sang a song to him while he was in his hospital bed. It was a song he wrote called, "One in a Hundred." A song about the parable Jesus told, describing a Shepherd and His lost sheep. The song was fitting at the time, because it was a song I could remember all the words to, and it captured the moment..My dad was my Shepherd, and my dad was also one of God's sheep...I hoped it would bring him comfort in his time of suffering..It was difficult to sing, because of the strong emotions at the time, but I did it..Not to plug his music, cause that seems a little weird, but the song is available on itunes, the composer is listed as Concordia Publishing :-)
And a final random note..I was putting Lindsey to bed tonight, saying her prayers, and then she interrupted me with a couple of questions about Jesus.."Mama, where is Jesus?" "Where is Heaven?" So I tried to explain them the best I could, to a 3.5 year old..alluding to the skies yet acknowledging that He is all around us as well..She mentioned Papa John, without any prompting, and I mentioned that he was with Jesus now..Lindsey wanted to know how Papa John got up to heaven? I didn't have an answer...but luckily she answered her own question, "Jesus carried him there, didn't He?" Thank God she is more versed in theology than me..."Yes Baby, Jesus carried him there.." She then smiled and rested her head on her pillow....a few minutes later she asked, "Can Jesus carry dinosaurs up there?" I answered, "Of course He can, because he is just crazy strong like that." Lindsey Lane then fell fast asleep...She was able to comfort me as well tonight, and that's why she is a precious gift..
Good Night....
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Things I think about when I can't sleep
I was slightly disappointed when the birth control patch was taken off of the market, not because I took it, but I knew of it's potential importance in my future..Last night was a perfect example as to why this patch could serve some purpose in this household..
So, just some minor background, for filler...The windows in our house are giving us a hard time right now...lots of leaking and moisture build up around the seal of these cheap windows = hot mess in our house..Windows are super expensive, in case you didn't know, so this is gonna be a really fun purchase. Anyhow, we had a fine young man come into our home last night to give us an estimate for replacing all of our windows...He was very nice, very polite, and even tolerated Ted's interrogations and bouts of laughter when he showed us the final estimated cost of the replacement windows ($52, 000). Ted made me write that for vindication purposes.
Someone else in my house thought he was very sweet and smoothe as well. Therefore, when it was time for Lindsey to give hugs and kisses before she headed up to bed, she whispered to me, "I kind of want to give him a kiss goodnight too." (pointing toward the window guy). I paused, shut my eyes, and said, "Honey, I don't think he would be ok with that, and I am actually kind of not ok with that either." She nodded, and I carried her up the stairs..I was hoping we were done.
Little girlfriend proceeded to cup my face and stare into my eyes and say, "Mom, he was very cute. I really like him." Um, what? Was she mesmerized by his knowledge of vinyl trim and his 100% satisfaction guarantee? Cause I kinda was, but I didn't want to ask him out on a date or anything. Then she says, "Is he sleeping here tonight?" Thoughts were racing through my head more rapidly than usual...."No baby, he is going home and sleeping in his bed." She was disappointed, but not nearly as much as I was...Damn you Ortho Patch, you were gonna be my answer..
My plan has always been, since I carried these little girls in my belly, that before they headed off to high school in the morning, I would just hug them, and then place the patch on their back, all sly like. I'm not gonna be a grandma before I'm 50, sorry about it. Might not be ethical or FDA recommended, but I stopped caring about stuff like that awhile ago..
So this brings me to what I was thinking about last night...So I could always slip her the birth control pill in her cereal, or grind it up and put it in her chocolate milk..I thought about the Depo shot..But I'm thinking she would be on to me , by the 3rd or 4th shot..I would lunge toward her with the syringe, she would scream out something like how I was crazy, and it could just get really ugly..So I don't know what I'm going to do, of course I will give her the female anatomy talk, the no sex talk, the safe sex talk, and show her terrible pictures of herpes and all the usual things mothers talk about..I will also show her a picture of my abdomen, before I had a baby, and afterwards..If that isn't enough to scare her into abstinence, then guess I will just have to break out the "Best Grandma Ever" sweatshirt...
Sweet dreams ya'll..
So, just some minor background, for filler...The windows in our house are giving us a hard time right now...lots of leaking and moisture build up around the seal of these cheap windows = hot mess in our house..Windows are super expensive, in case you didn't know, so this is gonna be a really fun purchase. Anyhow, we had a fine young man come into our home last night to give us an estimate for replacing all of our windows...He was very nice, very polite, and even tolerated Ted's interrogations and bouts of laughter when he showed us the final estimated cost of the replacement windows ($52, 000). Ted made me write that for vindication purposes.
Someone else in my house thought he was very sweet and smoothe as well. Therefore, when it was time for Lindsey to give hugs and kisses before she headed up to bed, she whispered to me, "I kind of want to give him a kiss goodnight too." (pointing toward the window guy). I paused, shut my eyes, and said, "Honey, I don't think he would be ok with that, and I am actually kind of not ok with that either." She nodded, and I carried her up the stairs..I was hoping we were done.
Little girlfriend proceeded to cup my face and stare into my eyes and say, "Mom, he was very cute. I really like him." Um, what? Was she mesmerized by his knowledge of vinyl trim and his 100% satisfaction guarantee? Cause I kinda was, but I didn't want to ask him out on a date or anything. Then she says, "Is he sleeping here tonight?" Thoughts were racing through my head more rapidly than usual...."No baby, he is going home and sleeping in his bed." She was disappointed, but not nearly as much as I was...Damn you Ortho Patch, you were gonna be my answer..
My plan has always been, since I carried these little girls in my belly, that before they headed off to high school in the morning, I would just hug them, and then place the patch on their back, all sly like. I'm not gonna be a grandma before I'm 50, sorry about it. Might not be ethical or FDA recommended, but I stopped caring about stuff like that awhile ago..
So this brings me to what I was thinking about last night...So I could always slip her the birth control pill in her cereal, or grind it up and put it in her chocolate milk..I thought about the Depo shot..But I'm thinking she would be on to me , by the 3rd or 4th shot..I would lunge toward her with the syringe, she would scream out something like how I was crazy, and it could just get really ugly..So I don't know what I'm going to do, of course I will give her the female anatomy talk, the no sex talk, the safe sex talk, and show her terrible pictures of herpes and all the usual things mothers talk about..I will also show her a picture of my abdomen, before I had a baby, and afterwards..If that isn't enough to scare her into abstinence, then guess I will just have to break out the "Best Grandma Ever" sweatshirt...
Sweet dreams ya'll..
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